Monday, October 26, 2015

Not our plan, but HIS plan...

Here we go down the crazy week that was last week for us.  After the crazy results of the fertilization process, we never could have known what awaited us at Wed's implant appointment.  So we got there at 11:15 as requested and we were told to change clothes me completely and Chris just over his clothes so he could be in the room with me.  We both smiled and said I guess we are on then.  About 30 min later the nurse came in and said Dr. Dunn wants to talk to us about the embryos before we go into the procedure room.  This is where my heart stopped, I knew something was wrong.  Little did I know how very wrong it was.  About 15 min later Dr. Dunn walked in and I knew from the look on his face we had a problem.  He sat down beside me and grabbed my hand and said we need to talk because the results are nothing like we expected.  He explained that all 6 had arrested meaning they had stopped growing/splitting in the middle of the night.  He said that typically this means there is something genetically wrong with them but it could also just be due to our age.  He said since 4 of them were late to fertilize he wanted to give it another 24 hours to see if anything changed.  He then said that if I wanted him to he would implant the one or more but that he only gave it a 5% chance of working.  We were devastated and as I sat there trying to figure it all out in my mind, I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said well what about the frozen one from 5 years ago.  He smiled and said that is the silver lining here you do have that one so we can still do an implant but it will be tomorrow.  He then laid out what he thought would be our best approach.  He said he will look at the 6 at 9:00am and if there isn't any positive improvement at 9:15am they would thaw the frozen embryo.  If there was positive improvement then we would implant a new embryo.  If the embryo does not survive the thaw we will get a phone call by 10:45.  If we do not hear from them be there at 11:30.  We agreed that this sounded like the best plan although we were both in shock.  We had never dreamed this would be our results but this is where we were.  I remember looking at Dr. Dunn and saying this is completely in God's hands.  He smiled and said yes it is, you have done everything perfectly and right and now its up to God.  He sat with us for a long time trying to answer questions for us and at one point through the fog I remember him saying, I never dreamed this is where we would be on your case.  It dawned on me that he was in almost as much shock as we were which reinforced the fact that yes we have this science to help us get pregnant but that ultimately it is all God.

I know I have said all along this is in God's hands and if its His will it will be and if not it will be ok.  And that is very true, although it will and is hurting more than I cared to admit before. 

Wed night was a very long sleepless night.  We felt like we were trapped with no real answers and we prayed oh my how we prayed.  Thursday morning came and we headed to Dr. Dunn.  The nurse came out to get us right away and gave me a big hug and she said we are doing an implant today so for that be happy and positive.  She said I cannot give you the details but I can promise you there is an implant happening today.  We both took a deep breath and smiled through our tears.  She took us to our room and said to change like yesterday.  Shortly there after she came in and said Dr. Dunn has two implants ahead of you because he wants you to have as much time as you need.   (I love that about him, he is so thoughtful and caring and really treats you like his own family.)  So about 20 min later she came in and said lets go and off we went to the procedure room. 

After getting me all setup, Dr. Dunn came in and grabbed my hand and said lets talk real quick before we get started.  I immediately started crying and he said we are implanting an embryo today.  I smiled and he said but I want to explain everything before we get started.  He said that the 6 had not started growing/dividing again and sadly they had started degenerating.  He said that by end of day there would be nothing left of them.  I took a deep breath and squeaked out but we are implanting?  He smiled and said yes the frozen one looks good.  It woke up and is doing what we expect it to do.  He said so lets get it implanted in you and just remember at this point you have done everything in your power to make this work, it is simply now up to the embryo to continue growing and for God's will to happen.  We all smiled even through the tears.  He showed us pictures of the embryo and talked to us about it and within 5 min the embryo was inside me.  He said, I know this will be the longest 10 days of your life but please call to get an appointment for 11/2 for the blood test in my office.  We went back to our room where we rested for about 30 min and then the nurse came in and said you can go now.  Dr. Dunn told me take it very easy for the next 10 days.

And we were on our way home.  I laid around the rest of the day Thursday and my boss insisted I stay home and rest Friday.  I am very lucky to have a boss that is so caring about this whole process as well as some very supportive co-workers.  Then what was left of hurricane Patricia kept us home in the house all day Saturday and Sunday with lots of rain and wind so it forced me to relax all weekend long. 

Today is my first day back at work and well I feel numb.  One moment I am crying and the next smiling.  I thought being back at work would help to not focus on all of this but that does not seem to be happening.  I feel like I am stuck in the middle somewhere desperate for an answer.  I am trying really hard to stay positive but its so hard.  I don't want to get too hopeful because of the crash I will feel if this doesn't work but I also know from before its a lot about a positive attitude.  So I find myself stuck in this weird limbo that I just can't explain.  I am very grateful and hopeful but also scared and I cannot deny that feeling.  We started out a week ago with multiple possibilities and never thought by the end of the week we would be at our last possibility.  But this is where we are and I know God has a reason for this.  I just have the believe....

So I am smiling through the tears and giving it to God and if its His will, I will be pregnant with Colton's twin!  Please say a prayer for us.....

Blessings to all!

Monday, October 19, 2015

Moving Along

So Friday was the retrieval and everything went well.  They got 23 follicles and 17 had eggs in them.  We went home and I slept all day and was in lots of pain.  Saturday came and the phone call we got was not what we expected.  Dr. Dunn explained that they had to thaw and use all 6 samples that Dr. Khera had gotten from Chris and that within those samples there were only 3 perfectly motile sperm.  They pulled out the healthiest non-motile sperm and used them with the 3 motile sperm to attempt fertilization using ICSI.  When reviewing my 17 eggs they found 11 healthy viable eggs to attempt to fertilize.  As of Saturday morning he was sad to report that we only had  2 that had fertilized, but they would continue to watch the others to see if anything happened.  We were in shock and a bit heart broken but we have said all along this is in God's hands and if this is not his will so be it.  So we prayed and prayed and today's call was a shock a great shock.  4 more decided to fertilize and we had a total of 6 fertilized.  He stated that two did not look very good but that 4 of them looked great and they were dividing as expected.  Even Dr. Dunn was shocked at the results, so as we said before this is all in God's hands. We are still on for implant on Wed and with God's will that will go well too. 
Blessings to all..

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Almost time....

Tomorrow will be the egg retrieval and thank goodness.  I am so ready for this part to be over!  I am so swollen, I look like I am about 3 1/2 to 4 months pregnant right now.  The headaches have improved but the swelling, pressure and back aches are killer at this point.  It looks like at this point we will have about 20 follicles tomorrow give or take.  Then it will be a daily waiting game of the progress of each one.  We will start with finding out how many follicles contained a viable egg, then how many fertilized and finally daily calls as to how many are growing properly or not.  We will implant the embryo on Wed of next week.  After talking to Dr. Dunn we will implant 1 or 2 depending on the quality of the embryos.  If we have a top quality embryo we will only implant 1 as this time around we do not want twins.  So we will not have that definite answer until Wednesday.  As of today, last night we took the Ovidrel, trigger shot and the final Ganirelix shot.  No shots tonight woo hoo!  Tonight I will take the antibiotics then nothing to eat or drink after midnight.  Then the note that made me laugh the most on my intercourse after 10pm on Wed 10/14!  Seriously that isn't happening the way I feel right now!  I can't imagine anyone wanting to have intercourse during this process but I guess they tell you this for a reason!  LOL!  So tomorrow morning we will be at the IVF lab at 5:30am. 

A good friend sent me the perfect scripture yesterday:
Philippians 4:4,7
do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Blessings to all....

Monday, October 5, 2015

Day 4 scan

This morning I had my day 4 scan and I am showing 8 follicles on one side and 9 on the other.  They are small and not measureable but probably will be by Wednesday as well as there will probably be more.  So we are definitely moving right along.  And of course with all of this comes the side effects too, the headaches oh the headaches!  And lets not forget the lovely hot flashes.  I have only had a few but man oh man they have not been fun.  But of course I remember all of this from last time and I know it is all normal.  Until next time, Blessings.